November 25, 2004: OK. I confess. My guy for president lost. But no way am I moving
to Canada. Though I did think Ralph should have demanded a
recount. He was only kazillion votes short. Who knows how many
of those votes were stolen by Bush/Kerry? After all, didn't the
donkey do its darndest to keep Ralph off the ticket? Remember
Ohio? And the New York Times reported that Ralph was picking
up disaffected elephants in Idaho. What happened to all those
pachyderms? Lots of states might have turned another color if
the big two hadn't mangled Ralph's chads.
But let's not hash over dry bird. Besides, Kramden wasn't
intensely my guy. I just tend to vote third party in national
races. Let's count Thanksgiving glads instead. F'rinstance, we're
winning in Iraq! A few more decades of mopping up and we'll be
sitting pretty in the finest little democracy in Texas. Oops,
I mean the Mideast. If Kerry had won, Iraq could have been the
finest little democracy in the Northeast. Where urban pols know
how democracy works in a one camel town.
Another glad is that TV programming has improved. Particularly
the reality shows. We can now watch real people plead for their
lives before being beheaded. And see other folks being shot or
blown-up. We can also vicariously experience the grief of weeping
friends and relatives in lots of home towns both here and abroad.
Earlier in the year we got reality porn from Abu Ghraib without
having to spring for cable. But the best part of enhanced
viewing is how a click of the remote brings up death's little
cheerleaders. Justifying their love. Go Democracy builders! Go
There's glad news too on the economic front. In Afghanistan,
the opium crop is bigger and better than ever. Stateside areas
with economies dependent on drug trade and the rehab biz will
soon be popping. It'll be one long Black Friday. Also be glad
that despite expressing deep concern about terrorism on our soil
and lobbying for more federal funding of local anti-terror
programs, few pols from either party will do much to stem illegal
immigration. Those on the right know we need cheap workers to do
the jobs Americans refuse. After all, lazy ol' Joe Six Pack is
still sulking over lost manufacturing jobs and union wages--
though opportunities to work for 5 dollars a week and live in
warrens over Chinese restaurants abound. Organized crime groups
advertise all the time: wanted, slave labor. On the left, folks
don't like to seem xenophobic about potential voters. And liberal
homes need cleaning too. Then there's the housing market. Both
sides know a steady stream of fresh blood is required so the
Ponzi won't collapse. Five dollars a week income (even if
unverified) buys a whole lotta taxpayer insured FHA house.
Another glad will be had when Dubya starts appointing Supremes:
a mega spectacle of role reversal will ensue. Though some on the
right still decry "activist judges" most will find them AOK if
the activism comes down on the right side. While the left will
morph into the South circa 1950's and denounce mandarins in black
robes. Back on the polarized ranch, each side will demonize the
supporters of the other: a cast of narrow bible thumping cretins
will rassle depraved baby killing elitists on a comic book field
of dreams. Word balloons will billow from the lips of pundits
and a whacking good time will be had by all.
The gladdest glad thing is that history has absolved feminist
theoreticians who in the 70's said "the personal is the
political". Maybe it wasn't true then, but now it's dead on.
God, guns and gays have become the issues that define national
politics. Everybody's inner self is on display-- symbolized by
their choice of political candidate. Making campaigns a highly
charged referendum on the state of one's soul, rather than the
state of the nation.
Meanwhile, the glad game of government is played by two amazingly
similar parties. Despite quarrels over how to wage it, both go
for war in a big way. Despite quarrels over how to spend it,
both go for public money in a big way. Despite quarrels over how
to use it, both are big on big government and despite quarrels
over who dood it, both have helped weaken one of the country's
greatest achievements: a stable middle class.
Ralph Kramden-- aka Chef Of The Future-- where art thou?
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl Solomonoff
I'm so glad/I'm so glad/I'm glad I'm glad I'm glad
"I'm So Glad," Cream, 1966, written by Skip James
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